1. It is very easy for wild looking strangers to steal cell phones from everyone in Alaska.

2.  Airplanes won’t fly at nighttime anymore.

3.  Vampires can run faster than cars, but they can’t run faster than Josh Hartnett.

4. Camera-men are squeamish and will start to shake at the first sign of blood.

5. Alaskan civilians will hear guns whether or not you (or the victim) have fired a shot.

6.  Vampires cannot see people that are looking at them through the oversized windows of a well-lit diner.

7.   Vampires can play records by touching them with their fingernails and opening their mouths.

8.  Vampires don’t treat their employees very well at all.

9.  Vampires are messy eaters.

10.   Vampires wear an unbelievable amount of scotch guard and you will never see a drop of blood on their white shirts.

11.   In Alaska, you can go 30 days without emptying the trash.

12.   In Alaska, you can go 30 days without needing to take a bath.

13.   In Alaska, you can go 30 days without flushing a community toilet.

14.   Senile old men can effortlessly walk through doors and windows that have been boarded up.

15.   Little girl vampires grow tattoos.

16.   Little girl vampires can turn invisible at will.

17.   Little girl vampires are more powerful than regular vampires and you will need 6 people to over-power them.

18.   Alaska loves Pepsi.

19.   You will become a vampire if their blood gets in your system.

20.   You will become a vampire if their saliva gets in your system (unless they’re kissing you).

21.   You will become a vampire if the dirt under their fingernails gets in your system.

22.   Vampire-killing tractors are dangerous and should be driven into an abandoned building before someone gets hurt.

23.   Vampires will never think to look for police men at a police station.

24.   A vampire invasion will heal a troubled marriage.

25.   If your wife ever dies, you will turn into a vampire upon looking at Josh Hartnett.

26.   Women will risk everyone’s hope for survival to save a little girl covered in filth.

27.   Vampires can smell your blood… unless you hide under a car.

28.   The only thing more powerful than a centuries old vampire is Josh Hartnett’s right hook.

29.   Vampires don’t hide from sunrise… they just kind of apathetically saunter away.

30.   Ben Foster is wasting his talent.