Review by: Tina Alexander

2012 is a three-hour disaster. Contrived dialogue, poor character development and the worst last line of a movie EVER cause this film to fail on so many levels. And while normally you could forgive unrealistic and absurd action sequences in a film like this, it becomes difficult to ignore when coupled with all the other disappointments.

 

2012 is about a worldwide cataclysm that is bringing about the end of humanity. Fortunately there were a few years to prepare and build ships. Rich people bought tickets, politicians get seats, and everyone else is doomed. Except of course John Cusack’s dysfunctional but miraculously lucky family.

Let’s be fair. Was I expecting too much? Can a disaster film succeed as both an exciting action film and a quality story? No I wasn’t and yes it can. First, the movie needs to decide if it is taking itself seriously and not switch back and forth. You’re not going to successfully get me involved in a sweeping moral dilemma while I watch ridiculous doggy gymnastics. Don’t expect me to cry with characters you’ve barely introduced me to and then completely overlook the death of characters I’ve spent the whole movie with. Disastrous close calls can be exciting, but not over and over. I was never concerned for a second that they wouldn’t make it. And finally, God forbid writers spend anytime on actual logic, but at least spend a little time on internal movie logic.

So How Does It End?

John Cusack’s family sneaks on the boat, only to find themselves in trouble for causing a doorjamb that apparently causes the entire ship to not function. Never mind that there seems to be no override switch, but the jamb is being caused by only one of the many things that went down into the gears, including a body. But don’t worry, Cusack’s character can hold his breath for 10 minutes at a time so he saves the day and survives the “suicide mission.” And his survival is apparently enough to help the whole family forget that their pseudo step dad just died.

The ship sails around for a while until it discovers that Africa rose significantly in elevation and can now be resettled. The passengers of the arc finally get to go outside and the little girl says to her dad, “no more pull ups.” The End. Wait, what?

I realize I haven’t said anything nice, so here goes. It did occasionally have some nice character moments, and while it was outrageous, the action did look pretty fabulous, so feel free to turn off your brain and enjoy. I give it 2 out of 5 stars.